200+ Nut Jokes & Puns to Crack You Up

Get ready to go nuts with laughter! This collection features over 200 hilarious nut-themed jokes and puns. From cashews to walnuts, no shell is left unturned in this nutty compilation. 

Perfect for breaking the ice or simply enjoying a good chuckle. These jokes are guaranteed to crack you up and leave you feeling absolutely nuts about puns.

Nut Jokes For Adults 🥜🍷

1. Why did the cashew go to therapy? It had too many personal issues to shell out. 🥜💬
2. What did the pecan say to the attractive walnut? “I’m nuts about you!” 🌰❤️
3. What’s a nut’s favorite streaming service? Net-filberts. 🥜📺
4. What do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? A second date. 🥜😏
5. Why don’t nuts ever go broke? They’re always filthy rich! 💰🥜
6. What did one almond say to the other at the bar? “Are you feeling nutty tonight?” 🥃🌰
7. Why did the pecan get divorced? Its spouse was too hard to crack. 💔🥜
8. What’s a nut’s favorite position? Cashew-nary style. 🌰😉
9. How do nuts flirt? They send unsolicited pec-ans. 🌰📱
10. Why did the macadamia go to HR? I was tired of being fondled at work. 🥜👔
11. What’s a pistachio’s favorite adult movie? “Fifty Shades of Grain.” 🌰📚
12. Why did the walnut fail its breathalyzer? It was absolutely shell-faced. 🥜🍸
13. What’s a hazelnut’s favorite dating app? Plenty of Fish… nuts. 🌰💕
14. Why do pistachios make terrible lovers? They’re always half-open and hard to crack. 🥜💔
15. What did the peanut say after a night of drinking? “I’m absolutely legume-d!” 🥜🍺
16. How do you know when a nut is horny? It gets a little pecany. 🌰😏
17. Why did the almond join a dating site? It was tired of going home and only finding itself. 🥜🏠
18. What did the walnut say about its ex? “That one was a tough nut to crack.” 🌰😤
19. What’s a nut’s favorite bedroom talk? “Shell yeah, baby!” 🥜🔥
20. Why was the pistachio kicked out of the bar? It kept showing everyone its nuts. 🌰🍻
21. What’s a cashew’s favorite pickup line? “Are you a harvest moon? Because you make me feel nutty tonight.” 🥜🌙
22. Why did the peanut go to the doctor? It was feeling a little salty in all the wrong places. 🥜👨‍⚕️
23. What did the almond whisper to its date? “I’d like to get you out of your shell tonight.” 🌰🌙
24. Why did the hazelnut get a restraining order? Its ex was stalking its every move. 🥜📝
25. What’s a coconut’s safe word during intimacy? “That’s enough milking!” 🥥😉

Clever Deez Nut Jokes 🥜😎

1. What do you call nuts that solve mysteries? Deez-tectives! 🥜🔍
2. Doctor: “Do you know what these test results are?” Patient: “What?” Doctor: “DEEZ NUTS!” 🥜👨‍⚕️
3. What’s a squirrel’s favorite joke format? Deez nut jokes because they’re acorny. 🐿️🥜
4. What kind of nuts help you breathe? Deez lungs! Wait, I mean deez nuts! 🥜💨
5. Which nuts do astronauts take to space? Deez nuts because they’re out of this world! 🥜🚀
6. How do you identify certain nuts? “Can you see deez nuts?” 🥜👁️
7. What nuts do mathematicians study? Deez nuts and their square roots! 🥜➗
8. What nuts are used in presidential debates? When candidates discuss deez nuts and bolts of policy. 🥜🗣️
9. What nuts are part of a computer? Deez nuts and bytes! 🥜💻
10. What’s a ghost’s favorite snack? BOO-deez nuts! 🥜👻
11. What nuts go well with gotcha jokes? Deez nuts, goteem! 🥜😆
12. What nuts contribute to climate change? When you’re discussing deez nuts and the greenhouse effect. 🥜🌡️
13. How do you confuse a gardener? Ask if they’ve planted deez nuts yet. 🥜🌱
14. What nuts are part of a good workout? When you’re exercising deez nuts and building strength. 🥜💪
15. What nuts are mentioned in philosophical debates? When Socrates pondered deez nuts and their existence. 🥜🧠
16. What nuts cause automotive problems? When mechanics blame deez nuts and bolts for the noise. 🥜🔧
17. What nuts are legal tender? When you’re paying with deez nuts and dollars. 🥜💵
18. What nuts are part of a good education? When teachers discuss deez nuts and bolts of learning. 🥜📚
19. What nuts help solve crimes? When detectives examine deez nuts for evidence. 🥜🔎
20. What nuts are mentioned in epic poetry? When Homer wrote about deez nuts in the Odyssey. 🥜📜
21. What nuts appear in medical literature? When doctors study deez nuts for research. 🥜🩺
22. What nuts help during home renovation? When you’re tightening deez nuts on the new furniture. 🥜🔨
23. What nuts are served at fancy restaurants? When chefs prepare deez nuts with a special sauce. 🥜🍽️
24. What nuts are part of a legal contract? When lawyers include deez nuts in the fine print. 🥜📄
25. What nuts are used in archaeology? When scientists discover deez nuts in ancient ruins. 🥜🏛️

Nut In Mouth Jokes 🥜😋

1. Why did the dentist recommend nuts? They’re good for your teeth if you can keep them in your mouth! 🥜🦷
2. What did the chipmunk say with its mouth full? “I can fit so many nuts in here!” 🐿️🥜
3. Why was the squirrel embarrassed? It had too many nuts in its mouth to talk! 🐿️😳
4. What’s a nut’s nightmare? Being in someone’s mouth during a sneeze! 🥜🤧
5. Why don’t squirrels ever choke? They’re professional nut-in-mouth handlers! 🐿️👨‍🔧
6. What did the pistachio say when it got stuck in someone’s teeth? “I’m having a cracking time!” 🌰😬
7. Why did the almond go to the dentist? Too much time in someone’s mouth gave it cavities! 🥜🦷
8. What’s a nut’s favorite place? Between your molars where it can really feel the pressure! 🌰😁
9. Why was the peanut butter jealous? The whole nuts got to spend more time in their mouths! 🥜🥪
10. What did the walnut say when it was being chewed? “This is nuts!” 🌰😫
11. Why don’t nuts make good public speakers? They’re always getting stuck in people’s mouths! 🥜🎤
12. What’s a cashew’s favorite game? Hide and seek in your mouth! 🥜👄
13. Why did the hazelnut break up with the mouth? It felt too crushed by the relationship! 🌰💔
14. What’s the most uncomfortable place for a nut? Between someone’s teeth during a business meeting! 🥜👔
15. Why do nuts hate the dentist? He always finds them hiding in mouths! 🌰👨‍⚕️
16. What did one nut say to another in someone’s mouth? “It’s getting crowded in here!” 🥜🥜
17. Why was the pecan exhausted? It spent all day being rolled around in someone’s mouth! 🌰😩
18. What’s a nut’s favorite exercise? Getting chewed on by molars! 🥜🏋️
19. Why did the cashew get a restraining order? It was tired of being held in people’s mouths against its will! 🌰📝
20. What did the peanut say when it got stuck between teeth? “A little help here?” 🥜🆘
21. Why don’t nuts like swimming? They’ve had bad experiences with saliva! 🌰💦
22. What’s a macadamia’s worst fear? Being the last nut in the mouth before bedtime! 🥜😴
23. Why was the almond depressed? It spent too much time in dark, moist places! 🌰😞
24. What’s a pistachio’s favorite sport? Tongue wrestling! 🥜👅
25. Why did the walnut win an award? For spending the longest time in someone’s mouth without being chewed! 🌰🏆

Nut Jokes One Liners 🥜⚡

1. I would tell you a joke about nuts, but I’m afraid you might crack up! 🥜😂
2. My doctor told me to stop eating nuts, but that’s a tough nut to crack! 🌰👨‍⚕️
3. Nuts don’t grow on trees… wait, most of them actually do! 🥜🌳
4. I wanted to be a nut farmer, but people said I was nuts! 🌰🧑‍🌾
5. The cashew tried stand-up comedy, but it kept cracking under pressure! 🥜🎭
6. They say I’m addicted to nuts, but I can quit whenever I want… I’m just a tough nut to crack! 🌰💪
7. Pistachios make terrible secret keepers because they’re always half open! 🥜🤐
8. Walnuts are the brains of the nut family – just look at them! 🌰🧠
9. The peanut was arrested for assault… it was salted! 🥜👮
10. A nut’s favorite music? Shell-o there by Adele! 🌰🎵
11. What’s a nut’s favorite movie? The Good, the Bad, and the Nutty! 🥜🎬
12. Life is like a bag of mixed nuts – you never know what you’re gonna get! 🌰🎁
13. Squirrels are just rats with good PR and a nut addiction! 🐿️🥜
14. I’m not saying my neighbor is crazy, but the squirrels are gathering nuts to throw at him! 🌰🐿️
15. I wouldn’t bank on a nut’s advice – they’re always a little cracked! 🥜💼
16. The pecan tried to make a phone call, but it couldn’t get through the shell-ular network! 🌰📱
17. My nut allergy is nothing to joke about – it really drives me nuts! 🥜🤒
18. Peanuts are legumes, not nuts – talk about an identity crisis! 🥜😱
19. The cashew got fired for being too salty with customers! 🌰👋
20. Dating a nut farmer? Be prepared for a nutty relationship! 🥜❤️
21. Almonds don’t lactate – almond milk is just nut juice with good marketing! 🌰🥛
22. The walnut went to therapy because it felt empty inside! 🥜🛋️
23. Pistachios are just nuts showing off their green side! 🌰🟢
24. I tried to make a nut joke, but it was too hard to crack! 🥜🔨
25. Cashews hang from the bottom of fruits – they’re literally the nuts that hang! 🌰🍎

Squirrel Nut Jokes 🐿️🥜

1. Why do squirrels make terrible bank robbers? They always crack under pressure and spill their nuts! 🐿️💰
2. How does a squirrel remember where it buried its nuts? It doesn’t – that’s why we have trees everywhere! 🐿️🌳
3. What’s a squirrel’s favorite dance? The Nut-cracker! 🐿️💃
4. Why was the squirrel bad at poker? It couldn’t stop hiding its nuts! 🐿️🃏
5. What do you call a squirrel with no nuts? Broke! 🐿️💸
6. Why did the squirrel cross the road? To get to the nut-ty side! 🐿️🛣️
7. What’s a squirrel’s favorite TV show? Game of Acorns! 🐿️📺
8. Why was the squirrel so embarrassed? It was caught with its nuts out! 🐿️😳
9. How do squirrels stay in shape? Nut-rition and exercise! 🐿️🏋️
10. What’s a squirrel’s favorite ice cream flavor? Rocky Road topped with nuts! 🐿️🍦
11. Why don’t squirrels use smartphones? They keep dropping them from trees while texting about nuts! 🐿️📱
12. What’s a squirrel’s motto? “Life is nuts, then you climb a tree!” 🐿️🌳
13. Why was the squirrel kicked out of the bar? It was driving everyone nuts! 🐿️🍻
14. What did the squirrel say to the nut cracker? “You’re breaking my heart!” 🐿️💔
15. How do squirrels make important decisions? They go with their gut… or wherever they bury their nuts! 🐿️🤔
16. What’s a squirrel’s favorite holiday? Nut-cracker Day! 🐿️🎄
17. Why did the squirrel go to school? To improve its nut knowledge! 🐿️📚
18. What’s a squirrel’s favorite movie? “The Nut Job,” obviously! 🐿️🎬
19. Why don’t squirrels ever go hungry in the winter? They’re living off the interest of their nest eggs! 🐿️❄️
20. What’s a squirrel’s favorite dessert? Acorn pie with a nutty crust! 🐿️🥧
21. How do squirrels send messages? Through the nut-work! 🐿️📨
22. Why was the squirrel excellent at math? It was great at multiplying its nuts! 🐿️➗
23. What do you call a squirrel with a PhD? Doctor Nutty! 🐿️🎓
24. Why don’t squirrels ever get lost? They always know which way is nuts! 🐿️🧭
25. What’s a squirrel’s favorite song? “These Nuts Are Made for Burying” by Squirrel Sinatra! 🐿️🎵

Busting A Nut Jokes 🥜💥

1. Why did the walnut go to the gym? It wanted to work on busting out of its shell! 🥜💪
2. What did the pecan say when it finally cracked open? “I’ve been busting to get out of there!” 🌰😮‍💨
3. Why do nuts make terrible comedians? They’re always busting before the punchline! 🥜🎭
4. What’s a hazelnut’s favorite workout? Shell-presses until busting point! 🌰🏋️
5. Why did the pistachio win the talent show? It had the most impressive shell-busting technique! 🥜🏆
6. What did the walnut say during its grand escape? “I’m busting outta this joint!” 🌰🏃
7. Why was the almond exhausted? It spent all day busting through its tough exterior! 🥜😩
8. What’s macadamia’s favorite movie? “The Great Escape: Nut Edition!” 🌰🎬
9. Why did the cashew need a break? Busting out of its shell was harder than expected! 🥜🛌
10. What’s a nut’s favorite dance move? The shell-busting shuffle! 🌰💃
11. Why was the pecan sweating? It was busting a move on the dance floor! 🥜🕺
12. What did one nut say to another at the gym? “Are you busting my shells?” 🌰😤
13. Why did the walnut go to the emergency room? It busted something important during its escape! 🥜🏥
14. What’s a pistachio’s favorite exercise? Busting through mental barriers! 🌰🧠
15. Why did the almond hire a personal trainer? To help with proper busting technique! 🥜👨‍🏫
16. What did the cashew say after finally opening? “I’ve been busting to tell you something!” 🌰🗣️
17. Why do pistachios make terrible secret agents? They’re always busting out of their disguises! 🥜🕵️
18. What’s a nut’s favorite action movie? “Die Hard: With a Vengeance of Busting!” 🌰💣
19. Why was the walnut arrested? For indecent shell-busting in public! 🥜👮
20. What’s a hazelnut’s favorite song? “Bust It Like It’s Hot!” 🌰🎵
21. Why did the pecan win the race? It had been practicing its shell-busting sprints! 🥜🏁
22. What did the almond say after finally cracking? “That was nuts, I’ve been busting to breathe!” 🌰😮‍💨
23. Why do nuts make terrible poker players? They’re always busting when the stakes get high! 🥜🃏
24. What’s a macadamia’s favorite holiday? Independence Day – celebrating busting free! 🌰🎆
25. Why did the cashew need therapy? Post-traumatic shell-busting disorder! 🥜🛋️

Cashew Nut Jokes 🥜💰

1. Why did the cashew go to the bank? It needed to cash-ew its check! 🥜💵
2. What’s a cashew’s favorite question? “How are you?” Because the answer is “cash-ew!” 🌰👋
3. Why was the cashew arrested? For cashew-al theft! 🥜👮
4. What did one cashew say to another on the phone? “Cash-ew later!” 🌰📱
5. Why are cashews never broken? They always have a little cash-ew! 🥜💰
6. What’s a cashew’s favorite greeting? “Bless you!” “No, CASHEW!” 🌰🤧
7. Why did the cashew become a financial advisor? It was good at managing cash-ew flow! 🥜📊
8. What’s a cashew’s favorite dance? The Cash-ew Slide! 🌰💃
9. Why did the cashew go to college? To earn more cash-new later in life! 🥜🎓
10. What did the doctor say to the cashew? “I can’t help you, I’m not a cash-ew-al specialist!” 🌰👨‍⚕️
11. Why was the cashew bad at hiding? People could always cash-ew it! 🥜👁️
12. What’s a cashew’s favorite season? Fall, because that’s when they cash-ew their paychecks! 🌰🍂
13. Why did the cashew get promoted? It was bringing in the most cash-ew! 🥜📈
14. What’s a cashew’s favorite movie? “Cash-ew Me If You Can!” 🌰🎬
15. Why did the cashew break up with the almond? It wasn’t ready for a cash-ew-al relationship! 🥜💔
16. What’s a cashew’s favorite hobby? Cash-ew-al photography! 🌰📷
17. Why was the cashew always invited to parties? It was never a cash-ew-alty! 🥜🎉
18. What’s a cashew’s favorite board game? Cash-ew-opoly! 🌰🎲
19. Why did the cashew make a good lawyer? It could cash-ew in on big settlements! 🥜⚖️
20. What’s a cashew’s favorite cocktail? A Cash-ew Colada! 🌰🍹
21. Why did the cashew go to therapy? It had cash-view separation anxiety! 🥜🛋️
22. What’s a cashew’s favorite sport? Cash-ew-al Friday Football! 🌰🏈
23. Why was the cashew always on time? It didn’t want to cash-ew any problems! 🥜⏰
24. What’s a cashew’s favorite TV show? “Cash-ew Me Outside: How Bow Dat?” 🌰📺
25. Why did the cashew win the race? It was running for the cash-ew prize! 🥜🏁

Dad Nut Jokes 👨‍👧‍👦🥜

1. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food with nuts, and I eat it! 🥜👀
2. How do you make a squirrel smile? Crack a nut joke! 🐿️😄
3. My kid asked me what my favorite nut was. I said, “You, you little nut!” 👨‍👦🥜
4. Did you hear about the nut who couldn’t go to the party? It was shell-shocked! 🌰😱
5. Why don’t nuts ever get lost? They always follow their roots! 🥜🌱
6. What did the father nut say to his son? “I’m proud of you, even though you’re a little nutty!” 👨‍👦🌰
7. How does a dad make nut butter? Very care-full-y! 👨🥜
8. What’s a dad’s favorite nut? A Dad-amia nut! 👨‍👧🌰
9. Why did the dad stop eating nuts? He was tired of everyone saying he was nuts! 👨🥜
10. What did the father pecan name his son? Pecan Junior, of course! 👨‍👦🌰
11. Why did the dad nut go back to school? To get a higher de-tree! 👨🌰
12. What’s a father nut’s favorite TV show? “How I Met Your Nutther!” 👨‍👧📺
13. Why don’t nuts ever pay full price? They’re always looking for a shell of a deal! 👨🥜
14. What did the dad say when his kid asked for more nuts? “Don’t be shellfish!” 👨‍👦🌰
15. How does a dad nut answer the phone? “Yellow, this is Walnut speaking!” 👨📱
16. Why did the dad cashew cross the road? To get to the other cashew! 👨🥜
17. What did one dad nut say to the other? “We’re just a couple of old nuts!” 👨👨🌰
18. Why was the father nut so strict? He didn’t want his kids growing up to be mixed nuts! 👨‍👧‍👦🥜
19. What’s a dad’s favorite nut dish? Cashew Surprise – the surprise is there’s a dad joke with every bite! 👨🌰
20. Why did the father nut get mad at the grocery store? They kept putting him in the mixed nuts section! 👨‍👧🥜
21. What did the dad say when his kid asked what a nut’s favorite day was? “Chews-day!” 👨‍👦🌰
22. How does a dad wake up his nutty kids? “Rise and shine, you little nuts!” 👨‍👧‍👦🥜
23. Why did the dad nut get a job at the calendar factory? He wanted to add more dates to his life! 👨🌰
24. What did the father say when asked about his children? “They’re all nuts, but I love them!” 👨‍👧‍👦🥜
25. Why don’t nuts tell jokes? They’re afraid people might crack up! 👨🌰

Hilarious Funny Nut Jokes 🥜😂

1. Why don’t nuts need an umbrella? They come in their own shells! 🌰☔
2. What do you call a nut that sneezes? Cashew! 🥜🤧
3. Why did the nut go to the doctor? It was feeling a little shell-shocked! 🌰👨‍⚕️
4. How do nuts stay in touch? They send each other shell-phones! 🥜📱
5. What’s brown, hairy, and wears a shell? A coconut going through a mid-life crisis! 🥥😅
6. Why was the little nut sad? Because his father was a tough nut to crack! 🌰👨
7. What’s a nut’s favorite streaming service? Nut-flix! 🥜📺
8. Why did the almond go to school? To improve its kernel of knowledge! 🌰📚
9. What do you call a nut with a cold? Cashew-gesundheit! 🥜🤒
10. Why did the pecan get promoted? It was outstanding in its shell! 🌰📈
11. What’s a nut’s favorite sport? Squirrel-ing! 🥜🐿️
12. Why don’t nuts ever tell you their problems? They don’t want to burden you with their shell-fish issues! 🌰🤐
13. What did the pistachio say to the cashew at the bar? “Are you nuts too?” 🥜🍻
14. How do nuts travel? By air-plane! 🌰✈️
15. Why was the hazelnut arrested? For nut-orious crimes! 🥜👮
16. What’s a nut’s favorite Beatles song? “All You Need is Nuts!” 🌰🎵
17. Why don’t nuts get stressed? They know how to stay shell-axed! 🥜😌
18. What do you call a nut who loves to dance? A party animal! 🌰💃
19. Why did the walnut start a business? It wanted to make some serious dough! 🥜💰
20. What’s a nut’s worst nightmare? A hungry squirrel with a nutcracker! 🌰🐿️
21. Why did the nut fail its driving test? It kept shell-fishly hogging the road! 🥜🚗
22. What do you call a nut who loves winter sports? A snow-nut! 🌰⛄
23. Why did Macadamia become a comedian? It had the audience cracking up! 🥜🎭
24. What did the almond say when it won the lottery? “Oh my gourd, I’m shell-shocked!” 🌰💸
25. Why don’t nuts make good secret agents? They’re always getting cracked under pressure! 🥜🕵️

Conclusion

This extensive collection of nut jokes offers something for everyone, from clever wordplay to groan-worthy puns. With over 200 jokes spanning nine different categories, you’ll find the perfect nutty humor for any occasion. 

Whether you’re looking for family-friendly dad jokes, clever one-liners, or more mature adult humor, this compilation has you covered. So crack open these jokes at your next gathering and watch as friends and family shell out the laughter.